May Lunatic cover story

The LUNATIC Magazine May Cover Story combines hygiene and monkeys.  We do not have a picture of the German tourist who made this month's cover, but believe me he deserves the honor.

Bako National Park in Malaysia has a canteen where the people staying in the park can buy bottled water and their meals.  Of course, the outdoor tables attract some of the park's wild boars and monkeys.  There are signs posted everywhere that say "look out for wild animals", "do not feed the monkeys and pigs" and the Malay equivalent of Yosemite's "a fed bear is a dead bear" mantra.

We did not see anyone feeding the animals, but problem monkeys and scavenger pigs do prowl the canteen outskirts from time to time. 

At breakfast on the third day we were there, we had our first encounter with a "problem monkey".

Apart from his (there is no doubt as to which sex any macaque monkey is) taking a crap on one of the tables, our problem monkey was climbing beams, dashing under chairs, dodging the slingshots of park staff, making noise and attracting the attention of everyone.

The park staff was successful in scaring the monkey out of the immediate dinning area.  We went back to eating our breakfast and one of the staff got some tissue to erase all traces of the problem monkey incident.  The guy with the tissue did not look like the cook.  He for sure was not the cashier and I did not care to look any further into the matter because we had already eaten most of breakfast by then and he sure did not wash up after handling monkey poo.

It was a few minutes later when an older German tourist walked into the canteen.  He got two hard boiled eggs, two pieces of toast, and two bananas. (this spread cost him around a dollar fifty)

He placed his plate on the table next to ours and went to get a cup of coffee. 

As soon as he was ten steps away from his plate, the problem macaque was back.  As fast as snakes, the monkey was over his chair and on the table.  He grabbed the two bananas, placed a piece of toast under his arm and turned to make a get away. 

The  German tourist was pretty quick for an old guy and got back to the table in time to make the monkey drop the toast and scamper away.  In the confusion, the monkey knocked the eggs onto the floor, but did manage to get away with the bananas.

What happened next is what has earned the German tourist the cover of this Month's Lunatic.

The guy picked the eggs up of the floor and placed them back on his plate along with the toast that the monkey dropped from under his arm onto the table.  He went and got the coffee that he originally started for and two more bananas. He then sat down, peeled his floor eggs, ate his monkey armpit toast and sipped his coffee.  I do not know if the man got to the bananas, we had to leave after seeing him (Seeing him!!) eat the toast.

Because of this grown man's complete lack of healthy eating practices, he earns the May cover of Lunatic Magazine. 

I am not sure if the monkey had any lasting health problems because that tourist had touched his food, but I can imagine that the fella might benefit from a stool test upon his return to Germany. 

Paul